I recently came across a short yet profound reminder in Annie Kagan’s The Afterlife of Billy Fingers. She was quoting her brother Billy who prompts us to recall “People spend lots of time on things that make them unhappy – too much focus on the sand in the oyster. To cultivate joy, pay attention to what you like.”
I wonder how many of us cultivate joy by focusing on what we like while ignoring the irritants. Or are most of us just too preoccupied with the sand?
Billy’s words caught me like a sharp hook – pointed and jarring. So strong was my reaction to his provocation that they launched my inner debate team.
On the one hand we strive to better ourselves, our state of mind, our circumstances, our environment, and our relationships. The process of enhancement requires a certain degree of introspection and analysis. Comparison of what is against what is desired is an early step, but it is just that – a step.
Too often the critique morphs to criticism and it is here that one begins to circle what becomes dangerous territory – dissatisfaction, disdain, disgust and unhappiness. What besides proportion and perspective is missing when we head down this slippery slope? BALANCE – balance of the positive with the negative? Too often our assessments fail to emphasize or worse yet recognize what’s good, what’s working, what creates satisfaction, pleasure, joy, happiness.
Consider what makes you smile, what elicits a chuckle; what prompts a laugh, what warms your heart? Where are these things in your formula for a happy life? Are you too busy triaging your response to displeasure that you shortchange prioritizing joy and delight?
I’ll share a personal vignette to illustrate what I mean. Some time back I replaced my disdain for summer with excitement for the opportunity it provided. As background know that I am overly sensitive to the heat and sun, quickly burning and prone to sun poisoning. Over the years, I developed practical coping mechanisms including staying inside and carrying portable air conditioning – a spray bottle full of water. To be honest, for many years no one enjoyed my company June through August as I whined about the heat and complained that I hated the summer. But all of that began to change when I moved into my current home and began to build a garden.
On the surface you might be asking “what was she thinking” and if so you have stumbled upon the key point of my story. That’s exactly it! I was thinking that I wanted a flower garden and so I unknowingly was changing my thinking which ultimately changed my feelings about the summer. Without realizing, I was substituting one set of thoughts for another. Instead of wishing away the summer with dreams of cool autumn days, I was mapping out and implementing plans for which section of the garden I would dig-up next and what flowers I would plant.
Out of necessity at first, summer and I reconciled.
Once that happened, I began to see the positive face of summer and eventually to experience what pleasures and joys summer had to offer – dancing butterflies, serenading bull frogs, strumming cicadas, chirping crickets, blooming flowers, open windows, fresh air, warm and comforting breezes, barbeque dinners and crab feasts, refreshing dips in the pool, fireflies and fireworks, morning coffee on the patio and long weekends lolling around with family and friends.
I didn’t change my propensity for sun poisoning or my preference for a cool breeze. What I did change was my mindset about the experience of summer. As I changed my thoughts I changed my experience, reaffirming the long held adage that if you change your thinking you can change your life. Sure I am never without a big hat, sun glasses or my trusty squirt bottle but on the flip side my calendar year now has 12 full months! And yes, not only did I become a believer but an ardent advocate for recognizing that the sand in the oyster will eventually turn into a pearl.
How about you? Is there sand in your oyster that is ready to morph into a pearl? Are there thoughts and long held beliefs that are not serving you well? I wonder if it is time for you to implement Billy’s advice by paying attention to what you like in order to cultivate joy and delight . . .
