Let’s be honest, holding on through dark and troubled times can be incredibly difficult. The last time I felt besieged by the weight of life and its predictable disappointments, positive thoughts floated off like clouds on the distant horizon – recognizable but beyond reach. Each time I got close to holding on to one, it slipped out of my grasp. Comfort beyond my reach and so I wallowed in sadness fighting off despair; both incredibly heavy burdens compounding the original malaise.
And then, as if the weight I was trying to lift off my heart wasn’t heavy enough – guilt set in like the early morning fog; guilt because I was allowing myself both the time and the room for self-pity, guilt because I was wallowing.
In a recent bout of melancholy in what one might call a flash of grandiosity, I recall trying to cheer myself up by imagining how much worse God had it! After all, God has to contend regularly with innumerable disappointments inflicted by humanity, day in and day out. I have use a variation of this technique on myself many times before – calling to mind circumstances and situations way worse than my own to jump start me back onto a more positive track. But even this approach has its limitation when you are trying hard to hold on during turbulent times.
Reminding oneself how wonderful life is may work when the malaise has not hardened but this technique also can backfire. Instead of pulling you back from the cliff of despair it can catapult you even further into your personal pity-party as you contrast your own situation against the idealized view of the world and life that you generally hold.
Keeping busy to distract yourself has intermittent success, except when you are feeling so besieged that getting up from your couch or bed requires more energy than you can gather. And besides, we all know that when we feel so bad that the best we can do is distract ourselves not much seems worth the effort and bother.
And then there is the mild panic that sets in when you realize that all of the above techniques have not worked and your self-talk sounds like pabulum. Worse yet, when you conclude that the advice of the motivational speakers and the self-help gurus that you have turned to sounds empty and worthless. But whenever one’s tried and true techniques for rebounding don’t work there you are still struggling, holding on and weathering your personal storm.
And then for me and hopefully you as well there is the inevitable turning point – the moment I relinquish control over my situation! It is at this point of surrender that I begin to experience relief. In effect, loosening my grip on the uncontrollable event or circumstance reshapes my thinking about it. Ultimately, I have found this is the key to changing what I experience about the situation. I have come to understand that this relief grows out of my acceptance – acceptance that my ego personality has given up the struggle for something it desires but cannot have or achieve. It has surrendered to circumstances and people beyond its control. It has relinquished control and in so doing it begins to end the secondary, unnecessary suffering that is companion to the primary suffering endemic to life. After all, there is enough loss, failings, disappointments, set-backs, calamities, disasters and inhumanities to contend with in life without adding to one’s suffering by refusing to accept this harsh reality.
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